I told the guy on 13th Street to go see Gigi.
- Did he call Beansie? - Gigi, Beansie...
Only us Italians use nicknames to that extent.
- No, your Chinese. - No.
- Yeah, the violinist Yo-Yo Ma. - Soubriquet.
It's another word for "nickname. "
- I'm sorry. - What's wrong?
Nothing. Tony?
- How you doing? - Good.
I took Danny to the doctor, like you said.
- My son? - Yeah, right. How's he doing?
- You were right. It wasn't pneumonia. - Great. I'm glad to hear it.
I made you some bread. You know, a thank-you.
- You didn't have to do that. - I wanted to. It's date nut.
Listen... Tracee, right?
Your bread's very sweet, and you're a great girl.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you can't do stuff like this.
- No good. - But I just wanted to say thanks.
I know, but I already got a family. They give me gifts.
- We have an employer-employee thing. - Can't we be friends?
I'm not sure that's such a good idea either, because you and Ralphie...
- Yeah, Ralphie. - I'm glad your kid's okay.
Let's go, Betty Crocker.
Bread.
Russell Crowe is trapped.
They're gonna sever off his head. And he's telling them how to do it?
I know. And then he yanks the sword from that dude. That was so phat.
When the guy got hit, chunks of his head flew.
- Enough. - We're talking.
- People are eating. - Thank you.
Why do you let him watch this garbage? Erin Brockovich, that was a nice one.
- I didn't care for it. - You did too. What are you talking?
See who that is.
Since when did I become a butler?
It's Jackie Jr. He locked himself out.
- No accountability. - People forget their keys.
There he is! Fresh Prince of New Jersey.
How you doing?
Don't get up.
- I'll fix you a plate. - Sit down.
I can't. Dino Zerilli's out in the car.
- You sure? Go bring him in. - Next time.
- I'll leave them in the mailbox. - We'll use my set.
- I'll put them on the counter. - Am I the Invisible Man?
Your sister around?
She's at school studying. Any message?
No, just hello. I'm gonna hit the road. Sorry to interrupt.
- Stay out of trouble. - So handsome.
- Good kid. - A little pigheaded, if you ask me.
Every advantage, this kid. College, good home life.
I had to quit school in the 11 th grade. Help my mother.
Supposed to be an architect.
So when did you first notice me?
I don't know. History of Film, I guess.
The way you talked, you know. I turned around to see who you were.
- And...? - Nothing.
- What? Say it! - No. Leave me alone, please.
- I won't stop till you say it. - Okay, wait.
I thought you were cute, all right?
I knew it.
Hello?
I'm sorry. I just don't know where else to go.
- You guys hanging out? - We were.
- You okay? - I went over to see that movie.
- Old horror film. Freaks. - Tod Browning, 1932.
All these horrible people in it with pointy heads.
One guy had no legs. He hopped on his hands.
You can't keep exposing yourself to things that upset you.
I know. But why is other people's pain a source of amusement?
- What are you doing? - It's just a habit.
Stop it, all right? You're gonna be bald. It's obsessive-compulsive.
- I'm going. - Don't go because of me.
I have that poli-sci paper anyway.
- Please don't be mad. - I'm not mad.
It's just you're really moody, you know?
- I think I miss my ferrets. - You gotta snap out of this, Caitlin.
- You need to talk to someone. - I'm taking BuSpar pills.
Maybe that's not enough.
- Where are you going? - The library.
See you later.
I'm sure coming here has been a culture shock for her.
For us, L.A., New Jersey, we're used to the mean streets, you know?
For someone like Caitlin, from Bartlesville, Oklahoma...
...New York's probably a little overwhelming.
Maybe we should try and be patient with her.
What?
Nothing.
You're sweet. Most guys wouldn't even give a shit.
Well, I'm not most guys.
Do you have a condom?
Are you okay?
Yeah.
- A.J., call Lindsey Blundetto. - Hi.
- You're home? Don't you have class? - It's Friday. Only in the mornings.
- It's time for a dental cleaning. - God, I just went.
- Smells great! What is that? - A cake for A.J.'s fundraiser.
- Nice shoes. Daddy home? - He's upstairs.
- What's with you? You seem... - What?
Nothing, I don't know.
- They're making a movie with Eloise. - Should be cute.
It's coming out around Christmas.
Remember? I almost got in a fight with the kid who called her Heloise.
- The Spanish girl. - She was annoying.
I can't believe you remember. You were 9.
Hello.
So when it opens, we are so there. You and me.
I know you're excited to see me, but try to control yourself.
How is school? What's new?
Caitlin's a pain. She cries over everything.
She misses her family.
Thank God for Noah. Only he can calm her down.
She started pulling her hair out. She does it all the time. Her scalp's raw.
- Oh, my God. - A straitjacket will cure that.
It's Mr. Sensitivity, who doesn't have any problems.
- I'm agreeing with you. - Like you have a clue.
Jesus, what the fuck?
She's under a lot of strain, and you did start this.
Did you see? How I didn't rise to the bait? The melanzane?
Lot of good it did me, does anybody!
It's still going on!
You're on the poles tonight.
- Why the hell's Mandee in? - VIP work, VIP prices.
It's 50 bucks to me, plus a blowjob later on.
You'll make at least half a G in there.
Look at that! It's like an ad for a fucking weight loss center.
- Before and way before. - This guy ever stop breaking balls?
Hear what I said? They're like a weight loss ad.
Before and after.
I wanna show you where the horse bit me.
- Hi, Tony. - Hey.
Look at this vision! How you doing, sweetheart?
Hey, Ralph.
"I have come to reclaim Rome for my people. "
How you doing?
"I have come to reclaim Rome for my people!"
I don't get it. What do you mean?
- Fucking Gladiator, you fuck! - Oh, the movie. I didn't see it.
You're an asshole, then.
What do we have here? What is this, the handsome contest?
- Ralphie. - You. Behave, you.
- Baby, I was wondering where you were. - Whoa, fucking kiss me?
How many cocks you sucked tonight? Go on, get me a drink.
Skipper!
Where's Tony?
- Getting his weasel greased. - Your kid brother's here?
Ralphie, word to the wise.
I'm just fucking around and breaking balls. I got a cousin who's a fag.
Fucko!
This weekend, get the video.
Gonna be a quiz next week.
He'll be in a trunk someday.
"We are all dead men," as Russell Crowe said.
- Hey, come on. - "All we can do is choose how we die. "
- That fucking hurts! - No. All that fat?
He's out of control, this pazzo.
Hey, Ralph.
Come on, man.
All right, come on. Put it down, Ralphie.
"I am father to a murdered son...
...husband to a murdered wife.
I will have my vengeance!"
Jesus Christ!
Goddamn it, Ralphie!
- Come on! - What the fuck you doing?
My fucking eye! I'm blind!
What's the matter with you?
It was an accident!
- What did you do? - Nothing. We were fucking around.
- Stop being a baby! - Take him to the hospital.
- What? - Just take him.
Come on, pussy boy.
Fucking stonato, this guy.
- Did you like the bread? - What?
- The date nut bread. I have recipes... - Sweetheart, not now, all right?
I was up all night. You could have called.
I didn't realize I need your permission to visit my house.
Sorry.
I kept having this image of you in the hospital with your throat cut.
I appreciate your concern, but you should focus on your own problems.
There was this thing on TV...
...about how Charles Lindbergh's baby was kidnapped and killed.
Jesus Christ already!
- Don't go. - I'm going to Noah's.
Yeah, well, at least you have a boyfriend!
- She's got me all wound up. - Put her out of your mind.
If I could do that.
We should find her a guy. Don't you have friends?
Do you think I'd subject one of my friends to Caitlin?
I have an idea.
Her birthday's coming up. We'll take her out to celebrate.
You mean like to Live Bait?
- Get her drunk. It'll cheer her up. - Please, she's bad enough sober.
Bet I know what would cheer you up.
Oh, yeah?
What?
Go to the fuse box.
In the cellar, Janice.
Call the gas company. What do you want from me?
You chose to live there, remember?
Well? What do you think?
- About what? What am I looking at? - My teeth. I got braces.
What do you want, a parade?
- Don't fraternize. - I was showing Tony my braces.
I didn't shell out three crackers for you to model your teeth.
Get to work. Come on.
Anything else?
Ralphie's sticking her. Why don't he pay for her teeth?
It's a loan. I'm juicing her. Usually it's fake tits they want.
She don't need those. That's for sure.
Kid's a thoroughbred, but Madonna, those chompers. Fucking train wreck.
Happy birthday to us all. That was a barrel of monkeys.
Jeff kept staring at me.
You wanna check out Smoke's?
- I'm a little tired. - Yeah, right. It's getting a bit late.
Oh, my God. That is so sad.
- Come on, Caitlin. - No, we should give her some money.
- Caitlin. - Excuse me, miss? Miss!
Miss?
Oh, my God!
Not bad, Chrissy. Decent week.
Not bad? I'm running ragged here. 18-hour day? I should work at Denny's.
Like they'd fucking hire him.
Are you crying? Keep it up, I'll give you something to cry about.
Watch the braces.
- God, it was so horrible. - It's over, Caitlin. Okay?
How can you be so callous? That was the most horrific thing ever.
It was a homeless woman with the Daily News up her butt.
Every time I close my eyes, I just keep seeing her. Oh, my God.
Let's go to the health center. They'll give you something to calm down.
No. No more drugs.
Caitlin, don't start drinking, come on.
I have to get up early tomorrow. Josh is on the redeye from L. A...
My friend from Crossroads High School. I didn't tell you?
He's coming in and we're gonna head up and see his brother at Hampshire.
Try and get some rest, okay?
Where do you think she sleeps at night?
Hi.
- When did you come in? - Just now. Sorry, were you sleeping?
It's good we're paying for that dorm.
It's Caitlin again, I can't sleep there. Forget about studying.
Like you were studying at 2 a. m.
Noah and I took her out for her birthday.
And she starts having conniptions over this homeless lady in the street.
And how are things with Noah?
He's going to Hampshire with his friend.
He said he told me, but he didn't.
- Is it weird that he'd do that? - I don't really know him.
And his friend Josh? I guess he's okay.
- So you two are still dating, then? - Is that a problem?
You started this conversation.
You never scheduled a dental appointment.
I'm sorry, I forgot. I'll do it.
And Jackie Jr. Says hello.
Noah's great, but he can be odd.
One minute he's all affectionate, and the next he's a different person.
Meadow, are you in love with this boy?
I don't know.
I guess so.
- I mean, at this point, I better be. - At what point? What does that mean?
Sorry, but we are so not having that conversation.
Tony? Do you have a second?
You said we can't be friends, but there's no one else I can talk to.
- I'm pregnant. It's Ralphie's. - Congratulations.
He acts like he doesn't give a shit.
- Ever think he's not acting? - Should I keep it?
I'm not getting involved.
If I have it, you think he'll help me with it?
Oh, sure, it'll be Father Knows Best over there.
Look, you want my advice?
You got a kid. Problems with that, burning him with cigarettes...
My social worker says it's anger from my mom holding my hand on the stove.
Whatever, okay?
Your situation, you need another kid like you need a hole in the head.
You got your figure, you're making money.
So I should get an abortion?
With Ralphie as the father, you'd be doing this kid a favor.
Urban Outfitters is having a sale.
- We're out of syrup. - You use a gallon.
- Shut up. - You wanna go?
- Do you need shoes? - Shoes, some new tops.
- I need underwear. - Wanna go?
- Wait till the laundry's done. - Let Lilliana do it.
- She's off. - It'll be a zoo when we get there.
- Meadow here? - She paged me, she's at her parents'.
- Wanna hang out? - I'm writing my paper.
You mind if I just sit and study?
I'm fine, really. It's just creepy up there alone.
All right.
What, are we short? Who we missing?
Tracee. Left sick on Saturday, haven't seen her since.
For three days? Fucking twat!
My mom wants me to go to Vermont this weekend.
- For what? - Dad's friends, Paul and Irion Dudley.
Paul's a psychiatry professor at Dartmouth.
They have a horse farm, ride and talk. Paul's very inspiring.
Sounds good.
I feel better already. Irion is an amazing cook.
If I just don't get freaked out by the sound of the pine trees...
I'm going to Noah's.
This Moltisanti kid, he's got his head up his ass.
This is a great gladiator movie? Look at Kirk Douglas' fucking hair.
They didn't have flattops in ancient Rome!
- What do you wanna drink, baby? - Get me a Fresca.
C- fucking-minus! And it's all her fault.
- Six hours! She wouldn't let me work. - I know.
The questions, the whining, the crazy nonsense.
She doesn't get economics, so I give her my notes from last year.
I'm talking primo notes, I got an A. She doesn't understand my writing.
- "What does this mean? Blah-blah. " - Nothing's ever enough with her.
I know I'm the R.A., but technically she's not even on my floor.
C minus. Really beautiful, Noah.
It's not that bad, okay?
I want options when I graduate, Meadow.
I'm going to law school in two years. A C minus is fucked for me!
It's early in the semester, you'll make it up.
- Is that all right, honey? - Fine.
You know I'd take care of you.
You, Danny, our gorgeous little baby.
- Who's that? - The fuck should I know?
Ralphie, open up!
Shit.
Ralphie!
- Where's Tracee? - She's busy.
- Hey, Sil. - Put your shoes on!
What'd I say?
I don't know. What'd you fucking say? Three days she missed work!
- I've been sick, Sil. - Oh, yeah? I called your house.
You haven't been there.
- Ralph's taking care of me. - You got a little kid at home!
- Her mother's watching him! - Mind your business!
- Where you get the balls to come here? - Three grand, this cuts into me!
Go on, get out of here.
Let's go!
What's the matter with you? You know the opportunity you've got?
- Working for you? - Keep it up.
In two seconds, I could get a job at any other...
Listen to me, you little pucchiacca!
Until you pay what you owe, your shaved twat belongs to me! Understand?
- I asked you a question! - Yes.
Yeah, now, get in the car!
Then I go to pour the milk and the carton is empty.
- It's not me, it's A.J. - Nice try, mister.
How about the football trance?
We're talking, but if that TV's on, he's not hearing a word.
One time, this happened!
- Like talking to furniture. - Men have the attention span of kids.
I'm sorry, honey, what'd you say?
This cake, Rosalie.
- Really delicious. - The whole meal.
I'm glad we could reciprocate.
College boy! How's school?
Good. You know, cracking the books. Almost dean's list.
What's this "almost"? Give me his name, no more almost.
- I'm going out. I'll stay at Bobby's. - Don't drink and drive.
- He knows better than that. Right? - Yeah, whatever you say.
Get lost. Enjoy your youth.
- You didn't tell me it was so fancy. - Calm down, it's just my father.
It'll be nothing compared to meeting your dad.
There he is.
Hey, Dad.
- Meadow, this is my father, Len. - Hello.
Len Tannenbaum. Please sit.
How was the flight?
Aside from Tim Daly chewing my ear for an hour, it was great.
- You know the guy from Wings? - He did his deal.
Usually I enjoy L.A. To New York. It's the only time I get to do work.
He flies first class. DVD player with any movie. Never even opens the case.
Bad enough representing them. I have to suffer through their movies too?
Is it exciting being an entertainment lawyer, meeting the celebrities?
- Beats working. - He's in town to meet Dick Wolf.
- The sportscaster? - He's a TV producer. Law & Order.
- New York Undercover. - I loved that.
- A cocktail before dinner? - Guys, are we drinking wine?
Clos Pegase, the '94 if you've got it.
So, Meadow, what business is your father in?
Actually, he's in waste management.
Toxic chemicals, medical waste, that sort?
Yeah, sort of. Environmental cleanup.
Okay, let's give a big Bada Bing welcome to Tracee.
That guy cut the line.
Go.
What's the matter?
I told Caitlin that if we went to the movies, I'd call her. I feel bad.
I stopped feeling bad when I saw that grade.
My father's filing a restraining order on her?
What?
- You're kidding, right? - You don't know my father.
He totally freaked when he heard about the C minus.
Couldn't you try talking to her first?
- At this point? - She thinks we're her friends.
You have to set limits. She was ruining our lives.
We couldn't do anything without her.
We certainly couldn't take her to see this.
Mrs. Custer grabs the artist:
"I wanted a painting commemorating my husband's last thoughts.
You give me cows with halos and Indians making love?"
"Mrs. Custer," he says, "those are your husband's last thoughts:
'Holy cow! Look at all those fucking Indians! '"
- What, not even a hello? - Fuck you, asshole.
Nice. That's how you talk to a man in front of his friends?
Yeah, right. What man?
- Oh, a double! - You tell him, sweetie.
I like this girl.
Women, women, women.
Why was I born handsome instead of rich?
- Leave me alone. - What's wrong with you?
- Why are you like this? - Three days you don't call.
Baby, I'm busy, I gotta work.
How else will I take care of you when you're nine months pregnant?
- You serious? - Of course, I'm serious.
We'll get a little house.
In a cul-de-sac. I know that guy who's a mortgage broker.
Really?
- Ralphie, I love you. - I love you too, baby.
If it's a boy, we'll name him after me.
If it's a girl, we'll name her Tracee after you.
This way she can grow up to be a cocksucking slob like her mother.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
- Skinny motherfucking piece of shit! - That's right, get it all out.
Get it all out, you little whore!
That make you feel good? You feel like a man?
Look at you now.
- Give me a fucking drink. - What happened to you?
Tracee. She slipped.
We were arguing, I don't know. She fell.
Holy fucking shit!
Get a sheet, Chrissy. Cover that up.
- Where is he? - Inside.
Go get him.
- She fell? - That's my story.
You stupid motherfucker, how fucking dare you?
- Take it easy. - You disrespect this place!
- That's why you were passed over. - It's my fault she's a klutz?
- You out of your fucking mind?! - This is the boss. Shut the fuck up!
I'm a made guy!
Ton, we gotta get you out of here.
- This place open? - Fuck!
Get the fuck out of here, Ralph!
Keep that door locked. Get her out of here.
You got a rug? A piece of carpet?
Cocksucker was way out of line.
Twenty years old, this girl.
That too.
Let's go.
What?
I think we need to talk.
I think maybe we've been seeing too much of each other.
And...?
I don't know. I mean...
I really like you, Meadow.
It's just...
I don't think we should see each other anymore.
- Are you breaking up with me? - Are you that surprised?
Why? I mean, things were going so good.
Honestly, you're too negative.
You have this cynicism about everything.
- What are you talking about? - I didn't want to get into this.
So things are better, then?
Since our first session?
Yes, I guess.
We seem to talk more easily.
Sometimes, even painful sessions can break the logjam.
Yes.
And then, this.
- You're particularly quiet today. - Sometimes I got nothing to say.
Anthony, Carmela is here.
She's giving up her time to talk about your panic attacks.
A young man who...
...worked for us...
...Barone Sanitation, he died.
- Who? - Who? You don't know him.
He died, that's all.
A work-related death.
Sad when they go so young.
How was the dentist?
God, is there nothing to eat in this house?
Who knows? Maybe she quit.
- She went outside and never came back. - Keep that to yourself.
Parties are Friday night. Lot of high rollers, big tips.
You want in the VIP Room? It's 50 bucks to me, plus a blowjob later on.